You're so nebulous sometimes
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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