turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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