Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
