does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
