I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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