i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
