i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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