HIV tests are more positive than that guy
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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