I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
