I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
