so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Randomize