i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
