i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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