This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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