The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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