i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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