i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
