mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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