If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
