I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
