Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
