I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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