I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Is it because I queefed?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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