She is in my trunk
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Randomize
