Dude my mom stole all your condoms
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
