How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
