dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
