I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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