i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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