sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
