Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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