girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
false alarm, still single
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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