I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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