my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
