had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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