woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
