What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
