I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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