She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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