if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
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