I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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