I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
