Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
