I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Randomize
