We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize