I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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