brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
