I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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