Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
