Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I am one with the molecules
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
