Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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