If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
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