My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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