2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just fell off a train. Bad.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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