they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
