What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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