A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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