I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
