Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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