So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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