I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I need water and some morals
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
