I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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