I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
