This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
