pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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