just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
