So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
