I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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