i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
