Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
