Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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