If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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