he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
