He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
